


I'm a Can on a String, You're on the End

by pursuitofbeing



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Like So Much Yearning, M/M, Masturbation, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Yearning, some smut, the other members are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:54:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29375979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pursuitofbeing/pseuds/pursuitofbeing
Summary: One where Jae and Younghyun meet at the cusp of summer and spring and then get lost somewhere around fall.Or, Jae fumbles the bag and proceeds to yearn over Younghyun for years.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Comments: 13
Kudos: 35





	1. let's live a night

**Author's Note:**

> title from would you rather by phoebe bridgers
> 
> this is my first time writing fic for day6 and my first ever try at smut, please excuse any clumsy wording! also, this fic was inspired very much by gay yearning and is (super) loosely based on jae's song pillows. written as a present for one of my best friends in the world c:

Jae didn’t know what to expect during one of his last nights in this town, but it definitely wasn’t this.

Of course, he expected to be at a party -- or multiple -- as it was all he was looking forward to after graduating high school. Once he received his diploma and walked off stage, all he thought about was racing through dinner with his family (God forbid his sister give him the, “Be careful when you go off to college, Jaessipoo!” speech in public) so that he could drive home and get ready. He knew that there would be many more parties once he got to university, but this was his last chance to see the friends he made in high school for what could be a very long time. And, if he was being honest with himself, he was actually a very sentimental person -- when he wanted to be. Not that anyone needed to know that.

When he got to the house that Dowoon sent him the address to, he noted that he had never been there before. He felt something like anxiety bubble up in his stomach, but he swallowed it down with a drink from the water bottle in his cup holder. He wouldn’t let anxiety win tonight because he had just accomplished four years of high school, and he was about to accomplish something even greater in the next four years. He reminded himself of this as he drove down the block, looking for a place to park, fingers nervously drumming the wheel. Finding a spot, he got out of his car and pulled his phone out of his pocket to text Dowoon, hoping that he wouldn’t have to spend very much time alone at this stranger’s house.

As he approached it, he took in the fact that the house was _big_ \-- a wide, well-manicured front lawn, two stories, many lit-up windows, and a big oak door at the front that stood as the only thing between him and hordes of people who had also just graduated and were looking to celebrate. He walked through the unlocked door and came face to face with a sea of both people he knew and people he had never seen before. Jae nodded at everyone that made eye contact with him and hoped that it was enough to stop them from actually coming over to talk to him before he could find a friend that he was comfortable with. Some that he recognized from school waved and smiled, and he returned the gesture quickly before turning in the opposite direction, narrowly avoiding small talk with them.

As he continued to walk through the house, he made eye contact with someone he hadn’t ever seen before. He knew this because he also knew that if he _had_ ever seen this person before, he really wouldn’t ever forget. They were beautiful -- gorgeous, even. They had dyed, red hair that curled a little at the ends that sat at the front of their face, followed further down by a sharp nose and sharp cheekbones. Lips maraschino cherry red at the bottom and eyes glinting with trouble at the top. Jae couldn’t pull his gaze away from the stranger and felt himself walking towards them, a pull so magnetic that he didn’t even have time to think about it.

“Jae! You’re here! I’ve been looking all over for you,” a deep but boyish voice trilled in his ear, stopping him from taking his next step. Dowoon’s hand made contact with Jae’s shoulder as the younger boy guided him towards the wall of the hallway and out of the way of others. Jae, dazed from the broken eye contact and from his racing heart, stared at Dowoon with his eyes wide. 

“Hyung, are you okay?” Dowoon asked, his smile quickly turning quizzical and his eyebrows knitting in the middle. Jae nodded his head and shifted his expression into what he hoped was a relaxed smile. Dowoon nodded with relief, and his smile returned once more, bright and cheerful.

“Who’s house is this?” Jae inquired, wondering why he had never been here before. The party that only seemed to grow around them was bustling with conversations and music that wove together and into Jae’s ears. Whoever owned this house had to have been very popular given the number of people that showed up and it was a wonder that Jae had never met them in his four years of high school.

Dowoon looked around, taking a sip of his beer. Nodding along to the music, he replied, “I think the kid is new, moved here around a month ago. Goes to school in the town over. A junior.”

Jae considered this and figured that he was just too busy wrapping up his senior year and deciding on a university, his social life dwindling towards graduation. While Dowoon, a freshman, and Wonpil, a sophomore, spent frequent hours at junior Sungjin’s house, Jae was busy anticipating college acceptances and working hard to maintain his grades to ensure admittance into whichever colleges accepted him. It paid off in the end. He got accepted into the university he aimed for, and he was admittedly very proud of himself for working so hard and surpassing all the doubt that encompassed the end of his high school career and the start of his college one.

As he thought about this, he remembered he was supposed to be celebrating this accomplishment. As his dad said during dinner, “You’re about to start a new chapter of your life!” He shook his head of his wandering thoughts and looked past Dowoon into the kitchen, eyeing the beers and soju bottles on the counter. “Hey, man. Let’s take a shot,” he said to his younger friend as his lips formed a smile. “I have a lot to celebrate today!”

Dowoon chuckled and followed the older boy into the kitchen. He raised his beer and said, “I’ll drink to that. You go ahead and take that shot, hyung.”

As Jae finished pouring his shot, another boy came up behind them and clapped his hands on both their shoulders, teasing, “Careful, Jae. We all know you can’t hang past half a bottle of soju. Pour me one too!”

Jae looked up from the shot glass he was focusing on and came eye to eye with his friend Sungjin. Sungjin was a year younger than Jae, but no stranger would ever have been able to tell without being informed. Sungjin’s features were sharper and darker, though his eyes unfailingly lit up his face without any effort on Sungjin’s part. “Galaxies,” their friend Wonpil often said of Sungjin’s eyes. His hair was shaggy and long, a style he was trying out after buzzing it short for soccer the year before. Sungjin was a great friend to Jae, always offering him advice and steadying him when anxiety crept up in his chest during tests, college applications, breakups -- anything.

Jae finished pouring Sungjin’s shot and handed it to him. As the two older boys raised their shot glasses and Dowoon raised his beer bottle, Jae’s smile grew wider. Dowoon and Sungjin were two of the people he would regret leaving the most because they were two of the people that he loved the most in this small suburban town. They made suburbia less suffocating on the nights when a late McDonald’s run turned into a long conversation on the bed of Sungjin’s truck in the parking lot, burger wrappers littered around, and Coke cups empty. Their encouragement got him through high school and into university when the end didn’t seem reachable for Jae, who convinced himself that he wasn’t smart enough, not dedicated enough, not good enough. They always pulled him back to the center when his mind orbited too far away.

And now he was leaving them.

Jae tried his best to brush this thought off so he could focus on his last night with his best friends. They clinked their drinks together and exclaimed, “Cheers!” before finishing off their shots and sips. Jae and Sungjin had barely set their shot glasses down on the counter when Dowoon, phone in hand, said, “I’ll be right back. I think Wonpil’s at the door and…” He trailed off, looking at the crowd of people around them. “...It’s just a lot. For him, you know.”

Jae and Sungjin both smiled at the younger boy, knowing how much he cared for Wonpil, who shriveled around crowds and generally kept to himself on a regular basis. Still, Wonpil had insisted earlier that he wanted to come and celebrate Jae’s graduation, which Jae was grateful for.

Now left alone, Jae asked Sungjin, “Do you know who’s house this is?” It wasn’t as if Jae was dying to know or that this knowledge would change how much fun he would have, but he suddenly thought of the person with red hair again and wondered if finding the answer to his first question would bring him closer to finding out their name.

Sungjin, eyes sparkling with both liquor and excitement, nodded enthusiastically. As he poured two more shots for the both of them, he answered, “I think it belongs to Kang Bra -- ah, Brian. I played against his team at my last soccer game. He’s new. Really nice, too. He said he wanted to get to know everyone better, so he threw this party. Nice house, huh?”

Jae drew in a breath through his nose, processing this information. Someone named Brian who was new and had just moved in last month, as Dowoon had told him earlier. Red hair, red lips. Sungjin looked up at him curiously and handed him one of the full shot glasses, adding on, “Why do you ask?”

In lieu of an answer, Jae only took his shot and set the shot glass down again. How would he even answer that question? He didn’t even know if he could answer that question when he asked himself. Why was he curious in the first place? It’s not like he even knew for sure that the boy in the living room was, in fact, Brian. And if he was, he had just moved here. Jae was leaving, and Brian just got here. It shouldn’t have mattered. Even so, as Dowoon came back with Wonpil in tow, Jae could barely hear what Wonpil was saying as he continued to roll the image of that stranger’s face over in his head. Casting the dice, again and again, hoping to land on something lucky.

•••

Jae was six, nine, eleven shots in? Wonpil had promised to drive him home an hour ago, so he kept going. His cheeks were warm, and his smile was easy to put on with conversation flowing easily and music easy to sway to as he sat on the couch with friends he had met in his history class this year. They were placing bets on who out of the junior class would become valedictorian next year when Jae saw someone leaving the house through the back door and heading into the backyard. Red hair, red lips.

He excused himself and got up from the couch, feeling the confidence of eight (was it ten?) shots of soju behind every part of his being that could make a first impression on this person that his feet followed out of the house. As soon as he stepped outside, he felt the soft breeze of a summer night, and his senses relaxed as the music playing was reduced to muffled noise thanks to the door shutting behind him. Nights like these were his favorite and this night, in particular, felt full of potential for something incredible.

He turned the corner of the walkway into the backyard and saw the person with red hair standing against the wall of the house, checking their phone. There were other people scattered around the very large backyard, talking softly and smoking or finishing off their drinks. In the middle of the yard, there was a fire pit that others sat around, chatting and laughing. Jae took this all in quickly before his eyes landed back on the person he had come out here to see. Balling his fists in a bout of resolve, he made his way towards the stranger. It was when he stopped right in front of them that he realized he had no idea what he was going to say, brain going static, confidence slipping away quickly.

Red Hair looked up from their phone curiously, placing it back in their pocket as soon as they saw Jae standing in front of them. A smile slipped onto their face and amusement colored their eyes. “Hi,” they said to him.

Red Hair’s voice was deep, but not in a way that was intimidating. It was clear and sure like they didn’t fear anything that they stood in front of. It wasn’t a cocky lack of fear, but instead, an absence of fear replaced with kindness. A kindness that was taught by those who raised them, full of curiosity and genuine warmth.

Jae had countless thoughts bouncing around in his brain, all of which were potential replies to this person’s greeting. In the end, he chose to keep it simple, saying, “Hi, I’m Jae.”

“I’m Brian,” Red Hair replied, his expression softening. He paused, seeming to think something over. “You’re friends with Sungjin?”

Jae smiled -- a genuine smile -- and nodded. “One of my best friends in the world.” He paused and let his shoulders relax as he began to embrace the atmosphere between them. Despite his sharp features, Brian had very kind eyes, and Jae felt his fear dissipating as they continued to talk. “You live here, right? This is your party?” He looked around once more, drinking in the size of the backyard and the even bigger house.

Brian nodded, his smile widening. “Yeah, I just moved here, so I threw this party to try to get to know people around town better. I go to school in the town over, so it’s a little hard to make friends closer to where I live. I figured a party was the perfect solution.”

Jae nodded again and found himself speaking with ease. “I heard that you just moved here, yeah,” he replied.

Brian raised his eyebrows at this, curiosity taking over his expression, pushing him to lean a little closer to Jae. “What else have you heard?” he asked.

Jae felt his cheeks warm at the sudden closeness, and he immediately felt embarrassed at the way he was getting flushed over what was probably a mere centimeter of movement between them. Still, he continued, matching the energy that Brian seemed to give off. Feeling a surge of courage, he returned Brian’s question with one of his own. “Nothing. What have you heard about me?” he asked, a different kind of smile gracing his face.

Brian’s eyes lit up, once more with amusement and a hint of excitement. Jae had to stop himself from gasping when Brian said, “I’ve heard that you’ve been asking around about me tonight.”

Taken aback by Brian’s answer, Jae’s front teeth jutted out as he bit his lip, willing his heart rate to steady. He focused on Brian’s gaze, curiosity lighting up his own eyes and, without realizing, he felt his mouth ask softly, “Where the hell did you come from?”

Jae would never forget what Brian said next, and he would never forget what came after that. He forgot about Wonpil’s offer to drive him home and Sungjin’s reminder that they were all planning to go out for Pho the day after (the best hangover cure, he said). He forgot about Dowoon asking him to please be his partner in beer pong in twenty minutes. For a while, he forgot that he was leaving for school in a week. All of it was left behind and stored in Jae’s mind as things that he thought about before he met Brian.

After Brian asked him if he could kiss him, for the rest of the night, he only thought about Brian.

Jae found himself nodding and leaning forward, acting without thinking. He was so sure that Brian was the most beautiful person he had ever met and that nothing else in that moment mattered as much as how Brian’s lips felt on his. Lips soft and cherry red, Brian kissed every ounce of hesitancy off of Jae’s lips. Jae tasted soju and peppermint chapstick, and he felt a pull in his gut. He heard everything behind him go silent as he focused only on Brian and taking in more and more of him. He felt Brian’s left hand reach up and tangle itself in Jae’s blonde hair and his right rest on the small of Jae’s back, pulling him closer, closing anything left of the gap between them.

It was Brian who pulled away first, and Jae couldn’t help but let out the smallest whimper as he felt the loss of contact and the cold air hit his lips. Endearment washed over Brian’s face as he heard what Jae had done and he placed a kiss on Jae’s cheek.

Both of them, breathing heavy, made eye contact once more, smiling wide with lips shining. Jae saw Brian’s eyes focus on something behind them, and he turned to see that some of the people in the backyard were looking in their direction.

“Not exactly being discreet, are we?” Brian asked with a breathy chuckle.

Jae, sheepish, shook his head and focused on his shoes as he felt his cheeks go warm once again. Before he could say anything, Brian took a hold of his hand and led him back inside. Suddenly, the music was loud once more and conversations swirled around both of them. Still, all Jae could focus on was Brian’s hand in his.

He allowed Brian to lead him up the stairs and into a room. Once inside, Brian locked the door and turned on a lamp by the bed. Jae could practically hear his heartbeat in his ears as Brian pulled him over to the bed, sitting him down and standing in front of him. “Are you okay?” he asked, “To keep going? Is this okay?”

The confidence that Jae heard in Brian’s voice earlier was exchanged for genuine concern, causing his own heart to swell and his lips to turn up into a smile. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.”

Brian returned Jae’s smile and lowered himself onto his knees, hands finding the button of Jae’s jeans in the semi-darkness. Jae lifted his hips to help Brian take his jeans off and he felt the denim pool around his ankles. Leaning up on his elbows, he looked down at Brian who was looking right at him.

“I saw you earlier, in the living room,” Brian said suddenly. Jae’s eyebrows knitted together as he waited for Brian to continue. “I saw you when you were standing in the hallway and I couldn’t- I didn’t want to look away. You are so-- you’re gorgeous, Jae.”

Before he could respond, he felt Brian palm his member over his boxers. He gasped audibly, both in surprise and pleasure. The action was so simple, yet he was incredibly taken aback. It wasn’t like he hadn’t ever been touched like this before, but there was something about Brian that made it all feel like it was happening to him for the first time. Jae felt Brian’s hands move to pull down his boxers and gasped again as he felt Brian’s mouth on him, willing himself not to make any sounds louder than sighs and shallow breaths. Brian ran his tongue over Jae’s tip, wrapping his hands around the base. As Jae carded his hands in Brian’s hair, he found himself whispering Brian’s name in tandem with profanities and praises, lips parted slightly and eyes closed.

“Brian-- fuck--” he whispered as he held back the moans building in his throat. The tension continued to build between his legs as Brian moved his head down lower, moving faster as Jae’s whimpers grew louder and louder. His hips rose in an effort to get more, to get as much of Brian as he could. He thrusted up into Brian’s mouth as Brian moaned around him, doing his best to bring Jae to a climax. He found himself moaning along with the younger, mind getting cloudy and tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

As Brian ran his tongue over Jae’s tip again, Jae felt himself lose control completely. His quiet moans began to build in volume and he failed to control his breathing. “Oh, oh my god, Brian, I’m going to--” he gasped, feeling his eyelids flutter involuntarily. Brian gave one last pump as Jae finished with one final whimper. He laid back, attempting to get his breathing back to normal. As he stared at the ceiling, he heard Brian get up, followed by a faucet turning on in a connected room.

Sitting up, his eyes met with Brian’s as he returned. “I think you’re gorgeous, too,” Jae whispered. “The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life. I could never forget someone like you.”


	2. pulling old memories, making their circles around your bed

That summer, the months following graduation were taken over by packing and Jae’s transition from a room at home to a room in a college dorm. His first year of school was uneventful and, to be truthful, he spent many nights sleepless in his dorm as he stared at the wall and thought back to the night he met Brian. 

He wasn’t lying to himself or to anyone else when he said that Brian was the most beautiful person he had ever met. Since they crossed paths, he was unable to find interest in other people no matter how hard he tried. They all paled in comparison to Brian who seemed to radiate warmth and possess a magnetic pull that Jae could not forget about.

They tried to keep in touch after that night, but Jae got busy with his freshman year and Brian was similarly preoccupied with his senior year. He found it hard to remember to text anyone back under every assignment he received on top of adjusting to a completely new social climate and unexpected homesickness. Not to mention his difficulty finding affordable food to eat given his many, many allergies. As he cycled from classes to studying in his dorm to attending occasional parties and going out with friends he had made, he found himself withdrawing from those around him, no matter how hard they tried to reach out. Parties were boring and difficult to enjoy without the company of his three best friends, absent of comfort and familiarity.

Sure, he met people that he kissed sometimes, and every once in a while, they went back to his dorm together, but none of it was the same. No pull in his gut, no light in his eyes or theirs. Just people to pass the time with and attempts to fill the space in his chest that seemed to have been left behind on that night in June.

Tonight was one of the nights that he couldn’t seem to get Brian off of his mind as he lay awake on his bed, covers kicked towards the end of his mattress and pillows scattered around him. Everything about their encounter was so fleeting that Jae was almost convinced that it didn’t actually happen. He would have believed that it didn’t if not for Sungjin peppering him with questions about it the day after it happened. “It doesn’t matter, it’s not a big deal,” Jae had said to his friend then. But now, as he sighed and blinked the tears on his eyelashes away, he knew that was a lie then and it was a lie now. He had his fists balled up, fingernails digging crescent moons into his palms, knuckles turning snow-capped under the tension. His pillow was soaked through with tears he already let out earlier in the night. Choking back another sob, his regret fought hard with the anger that he aimed at himself, thinking about the other directions his life could have gone in the time between then and now.

As he thought about that night and how it felt to kiss Brian, he felt a familiar stir in his stomach. His mind traveled back to the feeling of Brian’s mouth on him, his tongue running up and down what it could of Jae’s length and his hands taking care of the rest. In the present, he felt a tension in between his legs that grew the more he thought about Brian and how difficult it was for him to keep quiet in that room on that summer night. As he wrapped his hand around himself, he felt the stir in his stomach build, but he also felt a lurch in his chest. He whimpered softly to himself, rutting his hips against his own hand, pumping and looking for relief under his need to feel  _ anything  _ other than this pain. 

He was lonely and disappointed in himself. He could have tried harder to keep in touch with Brian, but in truth, he felt afraid to pursue it any further. Maybe his fear came from the notion that Brian, as a whole, might’ve been too good to be true. It could’ve come from the idea that Jae believed he wouldn’t have been good enough for Brian in the end. How could he possibly keep up with someone so bright, so kind? Maybe it was a mix of both of these things, and Jae felt that it was better to preserve everything in that one night and move forward. Still, he asked himself, how do you move forward from that? He had never felt something like that before, and he didn’t even know he was capable of feeling it until Brian kissed him for the first time. And now, as the end of the Spring semester approached, he resolved that he would have to forget about it so that he was able to preserve his emotional stability. It was the only thing he could do in order to keep going and retrieve the parts of himself that fear and regret had dissolved.

He continued to move his hand up and down at a steady pace until he was relieved of his tension and need. He finished in his hands, breathing heavy. Eyes closed, he breathed through the aftermath of his climax, wishing that he was anything but alone. Every time he did this, he only felt lonelier when he finished and wished with everything he had that he tried harder to keep Brian in his life. He cleaned up and got back under his covers, again blinking tears from his lashes. He rolled over and went to bed, hoping to wake up just a little less lonely in the morning, as he did every night.

His second year was a little easier as he adjusted his expectations of university to fit his experiences from freshman year. He promised himself that he would lend a little more kindness to his heart and do his best to heal from lost connections and passed up opportunities. The past would do him no good in the present and he had so much to look forward to, one thing being the fact that he was moving into a bigger dorm with Sungjin, who had been accepted into the same university and planned to obtain a degree in Psychology.

One night, when they were walking home after dinner, Sungjin asked Jae, out of the blue, “Do you still think about Brian?”

Jae could only look at Sungjin as he felt the wind getting knocked out of his lungs at the mention of Brian’s name. Did he think about him? He pondered this notion, thinking back to his first year of college and comparing it to how he felt now. Sure, he did. He thought about him in the shower when he ran out of songs to sing as he washed his hair. He thought about him when he kissed other people. But he also thought about how much easier it would be to just forget about Brian -- a person in his past that he would likely never see again. Slowly and ever so surely, he was beginning to reconcile with this fact. As he came to this conclusion, he suddenly became aware of how long it was taking him to answer Sungjin’s question. He looked forward once more and quickly responded, “Um, yeah, I guess. Sometimes. Why do you ask?”

Sungjin’s expression turned quizzical, but if he had a question to ask Jae, he didn’t let on. The younger boy shrugged his shoulders, replying, “I don’t know. You two really seemed to like each other. I mean, you only knew each other for a night, I suppose, but I’ve never seen you look at someone that way.”

Jae shook his head, repeating to Sungjin what he had said all those months ago. “It’s not a big deal,” he concluded with a wave of his hand, hoping that this gesture would be enough to end this particular topic of conversation. He prayed that Sungjin wouldn’t be able to hear how his voice got tight as a result of the lump in his throat that he couldn’t seem to speak over. Again, if Sungjin had further inquiries, he didn’t voice them. He simply clapped Jae twice on the shoulder and proceeded to discuss their plans for the weekend.

Jae’s third year was easier, and, by the fourth, he had all but forgotten the nights he spent crying alone in his freshman year dorm. Within arms reach of his Political Science degree, he had become much more comfortable making friends and excelled in his classes, getting the hang of a full-time workload and even obtaining a job at the campus coffee shop. The tips from the shop helped him make rent at the flat that he rented with Sungjin, Wonpil, and Dowoon who had all graduated from high school and transitioned to the same university as him. He was elated to have all his best friends around him again and he couldn’t have been happier with his surroundings and with himself. When he thought about the mental state he maintained four years ago, he was grateful for his determination to move past everything that held him back before. His friends’ encouragement and love once again got him through one of the hardest points in his life, even if he didn’t let on very much about what he was experiencing internally. Wet pillows were replaced with warm nights full of reassurance and safety and sleepless nights became restful ones with ease.

He was heading into a shift at the coffee shop when he got a text in his group chat with Wonpil, Sungjin, and Dowoon. “Party tonight?” asked Sungjin.

“On a Wednesday?” responded Wonpil, followed by an additional text from him that read, “I have a music theory exam tomorrow -- call me if you need a ride home.”

“Boooooooooooo, Wonpil!” -- from Dowoon.

Jae simply sent a thumbs up and the dancing man emoji before sliding his phone in his back pocket and tying the knot on his apron. He looked up to see a busy counter, his coworkers making drinks and taking orders at lightspeed. He nodded to himself and prepared his mind for a busy shift ahead, looking forward to a good time with his friends later that night. He took his place at the bar, checking the recently ordered drinks, and picked up the ones closest to him. The order was two Iced Americanos -- easy enough.

As he prepared the espresso, he mentally went over any assignments he had to do before the end of the week. It was a fairly worry-free week for him and he wondered if Wonpil would need any help studying for his exams. As his coworkers bustled around him, he poured ice into the cups that held his freshly poured espresso. He capped the drinks off neatly and slid two straws out of the container next to him. “Two Iced Americanos for Younghyun?” he called out, raising his voice to ensure that he was heard throughout the busy coffee shop.

He picked up two more cups before he looked up to make sure that someone was coming to retrieve the drinks. He always felt bad when people left their drinks for too long, not hearing their names called. Thankfully, the drinks were picked up quickly, but Jae felt his stomach drop along with the two cups that slipped out of his hands and onto the floor.

“Jae, are you good?” his coworker asked.

He felt a ringing in his ears and his breath go still. Red hair, red lips were now black hair, pink lips. Pierced ears. Cheeks a little fuller. He blinked at his coworker before taking a deep breath and apologizing. “I’ll make new cups, sorry.”

Brian was standing at the end of the counter looking just as breathless as Jae, two Iced Americanos in hand. His eyes, wide and still, maintained eye contact with Jae as he stood completely frozen in place with lips parted slightly. Jae had been hoping for this moment for years and had pictured it in his head more times than he would ever admit to anyone. He thought that maybe it would happen years later when his heart had healed ten times over and it wouldn’t be painful for them to see each other anymore. He had also considered running into Brian back home, a daydream tinged with nostalgia and regret. He had imagined many things, but he didn’t imagine this. He didn’t imagine it to be so normal and mundane. He didn’t imagine his hair to be messy and his glasses to be crooked or his shirt to be stained with coffee.

He didn’t imagine another boy coming up and taking one of the Iced Americanos from Brian, placing a quick kiss on his temple and taking his hand, leading him away from the counter and out of the shop. He didn’t imagine that at all.

•••

Jae’s shift didn’t go much better after that. He was distracted and very obviously so. He kept spilling drinks, making hot drinks that were meant to be cold, and dropping ice and utensils on the ground. His manager sent him home early, telling him that he hoped he felt better by the time he came back for his shift on Friday. Jae apologized again and again before leaving, but nothing relieved the lurch that remained from the drop in his stomach earlier. His head was cloudy and started to ache as he walked back to his flat, defeated and confused. How could that have been Brian? The cup said Younghyun and that was a different name completely. There was no way it could have been Brian because last Jae heard, he was studying abroad with no plans to come back. Besides the complete impossibility of Younghyun and Brian being the same person, whoever Younghyun was clearly had a partner. He was off-limits to Jae, and that was that.

Still, he couldn’t get Younghyun’s face out of his mind as he unlocked the door to the flat. The only saving grace that pulled his mind back to the present was the party he was meant to attend with Sungjin and Dowoon. It would be okay, he promised himself. He would forget about this easily and move on.

On his way to the shower, he passed by Wonpil’s room and saw the younger boy sitting at his laptop with lips pouted and eyebrows knitted. His heart swelled with concern as he studied Wonpil’s room. There was a stack of textbooks and notebooks next to him and his backpack was turned over, its contents littering the floor. “You doing okay, Wonpil?”

Wonpil looked up at him, momentary surprise showing in his wide eyes. “Hey, hyung. I’m okay. I just -- you know I suck at studying and this midterm is just impossible.” Wonpil paused for a moment, taking in Jae’s stained shirt and disheveled hair. “Are  _ you _ doing okay, Jaehyungie-hyung?”

Jae leaned against Wonpil’s door frame and ran a hand through his hair, weighing all the possible responses he could offer to his roommate. He wanted to be honest, but he didn’t even know how to begin.  _ That guy Brian has a doppelganger, _ he considered. That would just sound insane.  _ This person that I think I could have fallen in love with four years ago might have made his way back into my life except he has a partner now and I don’t even actually know if it’s him or not and this is really making me feel like I’m losing my mind _ . Too much, he decided.

With a sigh, he made his way into Wonpil’s room and sat down on his bed. Wonpil turned to him, giving Jae his full attention. “I don’t know, Wonpillie. I thought I was okay for a long time and, for the most part, I probably am still okay. It’s just that type of thing where you see something that kind of undoes all the progress you’ve made on yourself and it just sends you spinning, you know?” He sighed again. “I don’t think this is making sense…”

Wonpil shook his head, ever reassuring. “It makes sense, hyung...I think. Like, you’ve put in the work to move past something and it comes right back to you. Like that?” he pondered, tilting his head to the side.

Jae nodded, jutting his lips out and scrunching his nose in thought. “What does it mean when you try to run away from something and it returns to you? Is that a good or bad thing?”

Wonpil considered this, tapping his pointer finger on his nose, deep in thought. Slowly, he replied, “Maybe it’s neither good nor bad. Maybe it’s a second chance that could go in either direction, depending on how you go about it.”

Jae gave thought to what Wonpil said, trying to sort his thoughts out. A second chance with Brian was something he never thought he would get, but it seemed that this chance was already over as he had moved on with someone else. Still, it was possible that this was a second chance for Jae to get some closure and forgive himself for running away from Brian in the first place. He had spent so many years berating himself for skipping out on chances with Brian that he never thought to give himself the chance to heal and grow without regret.

Wiping his palms on the knees of his jeans, he straightened his posture and nodded at Wonpil. “Thank you, Pillie. This helped a lot.” He offered his friend a smile and stood up.

Wonpil returned Jae’s smile, his eyes crinkling at the outer corners. “You’re welcome, hyung. And, for what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you. Whatever it is that you’re going through, I’m rooting for you.”

•••

“Who’s party is this again?” Jae asked no one in particular. The three of them were walking to a flat a few blocks down from theirs, shivering slightly in the cold. It was half-past eleven at night and they were all itching to get inside and out of the winter wind. Dowoon, case of soju in tow, replied, “Youngjae -- guy in Wonpil’s biology class.”

Jae nodded before blowing air into his cupped hands. If Wonpil knew him, he had to have been a nice enough guy. Wonpil had the best intuition of the four of them and it never failed him. Four-leaf clovered boy, Sungjin called him. They neared the flat, noting a faint but noticeable trace of music and loud voices. The soju bottles clinked together in their case as Dowoon picked up his pace, leading the way through the front door.

Immediately, Jae’s senses were overwhelmed. He had undoubtedly matured very much since his last high school party, but his social skills were still considerably bare-boned when it came to large functions like this. He never got used to going from silence to suddenly hearing conversations and music, layered one on top of the other, coming from all directions. He kept his gaze focused on the back of Sungjin’s head, following him wherever he went. They stopped in the kitchen as Dowoon set down the case of soju and greeted the party’s host.

Jae looked around the flat, taking note of small groups of people scattered in the living room. Some were having conversations off to the side, and others were sitting on the floor, playing a card game on the coffee table. The kitchen counter was littered with bottles of soju and beer with the occasional bottle of vodka or liter of soda. Empty pizza boxes were laid open on the dining table, likely finished much earlier. Outside in the small cement backyard, there was a table set up with a game of Rage Cage, and a group of people cheered on players who stood on either side. Typical college party, Jae thought to himself. Nothing too intimidating.

As Sungjin and Dowoon moved aside, Jae could hear Sungjin say, “This is Jae, our roommate.” He took that as a signal to focus on the host of the party and introduce himself. The second he made eye contact with him, though, he went lightheaded. Blinking, he realized that his outstretched hand was frozen in place. Biting his lip out of embarrassment, he closed the gap, shaking the younger’s hand. “Hey, uh, I’m Jae. Thanks for inviting us out. Youngjae, right?” He quickly took a deep breath as he realized that Youngjae was the one who had joined Younghyun at the coffee shop earlier.

Youngjae smiled warmly, letting go of Jae’s hand. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. “You work at the coffee shop, right?”

Jae cleared his throat, nodding. “Um, yeah. Iced Americano, right?” He tried his best to sound enthusiastic, hoping that his voice didn’t betray the way his entire body deflated internally.

Youngjae nodded again and chuckled to himself. “Small world. I mean, I guess not  _ that _ small since you work at the campus coffee shop. But hey, it’s nice to have you. Let me know if you need anything.”

Jae tried his best not to wince at the irony of Youngjae’s statement. Small world indeed -- maybe it was  _ too _ small. As Youngjae excused himself, he turned to find Sungjin and Dowoon looking at him like he had just grown a second head. Jae returned the expression and abruptly asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sungjin peered closer at him, studying his features. “What was that? Do you know him?” Sungjin retreated and added, “Are you okay?”

Jae shook his head. “I don’t know him. Just a coincidence type of thing, I guess. I made his drink for him at work.” He left out the whole Brian-Younghyun doppelganger situation, opting to save himself from actually feeling like he had grown a second head. Eyeing the backyard, he stepped aside. “I’m going to go play Rage Cage. Bye,” he concluded, dragging out the last syllable and saluting his roommates.

He slid the door open and stepped out, once again being greeted by the cold. He didn’t mind, knowing he’d probably end up having to drink a cup or two of beer as he played. He joined the next game with ease, sliding into line between a girl he recognized from his Statistics class and a guy who looked a lot like--

He couldn’t believe his eyes. Once again, for the second time today, Brian stood next to him. There was absolutely no way it wasn’t. The boy next to him had pointed cheekbones and a sharp nose that couldn’t have belonged to anyone else. He held a slice of pizza in one hand and used the other to bounce the ping pong ball into a cup in front of him. Seeing this, Jae felt his jaw drop despite his best efforts to keep his composure.  _ Second chance _ , he repeated to himself, recalling his earlier conversation with Wonpil. Why was he surprised, really? Brian’s -- Younghyun’s -- partner was throwing this party, after all. Why wouldn’t he be here?

Maybe a little part of Jae had hoped that this afternoon was all a really long caffeine fueled fever dream. Maybe a bigger part of him hoped that seeing Brian was real, but seeing Youngjae wasn’t. There were a lot of parts of Jae that weren’t paying attention to the game in front of him, because before he knew it, Brian had made the shot into the cup and was handing him the ping pong ball. As they made eye contact again, they blinked at each other for an amount of time that Jae couldn’t have measured. Brian’s lips parted slightly and he made a noise that signaled the start of a sentence that he wasn’t able to begin. The girl next to them huffed, “Hello? Are you going to go?”

Jae couldn’t move. He couldn’t bring himself to take the ball from Brian and instead continued to stare, not wanting to break his gaze. The girl sighed and took the ball from Brian instead, continuing the game. “This should be considered a fucking party foul,” she muttered to herself.

“Hi,” Brian said to him.

“Hey,” Jae returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of angst...hehe...don't hate me pls >.< thank you for the kudos and comments, i really appreciate it so much. thank you for supporting my first fic!


	3. dance around what you wanted to say

Jae, once again, found himself thinking about Brian -- or Younghyun, as the younger boy now preferred. After working so hard to pull himself out of this emotional state of loneliness, he couldn’t believe that he was right back in it. All because he stood next to Younghyun during a game of Rage Cage and ended up talking to him for the rest of the night.

After they said their hellos, they immediately pulled out of the game and sat together to talk.  _ When did you come back? Why? I thought you were abroad _ , Jae had said to him.  _ You were asking around about me again? _ , Younghyun returned, causing Jae to blush. Jae eventually found out that Younghyun came back out of homesickness and, in the end, because he met Youngjae. They were in the same study abroad group and hit it off quickly.

Jae tried not to visibly deflate at this, though he couldn’t have been sure if he succeeded. All he knew was, at that moment, he was looking at the boy that he couldn’t stop thinking about for almost four years straight. After years of thinking about him, he was here. He was real. He wanted so badly to wrap Younghyun in his arms and pepper his cheeks, forehead, and neck with kisses. He wanted to return the favor that Younghyun granted him all those years ago, actions that were dimly lit and fuzzy in Jae’s mind. He wanted so much to do so many things, but he also couldn’t allow himself to forget that he couldn’t do any of them.

He smiled and told Younghyun that he was happy for him and he was happy to see him. And, in a way that Jae couldn’t explain, something possessed him to invite Younghyun to spend more time with him and his roommates. So that was how Jae found himself on his living room couch, sandwiched in between Younghyun and Wonpil, watching Boss Baby. Younghyun had picked the movie, claiming it was “really great” and “had a wise message.”

Jae was trying his best to focus on the movie, but his eyes kept flickering towards Younghyun who’s shoulders were occupied by Youngjae’s arm. It wasn’t just that -- Jae noticed the pure joy in Younghyun’s eyes as he watched the movie and the way the apples of his cheeks became prominent as he smiled at the funny parts. There was no way he could focus on anything else when Younghyun was in the room. He wished that he could stare at Younghyun and go unnoticed, but he was sure this would freak out more than a few people -- Younghyun included. All he wanted was to take in the features that he tried so hard to remember at night so that he could commit them to memory. He longed to drink in the fox-like eyes with the joyful glint in the irises, the sharp nose that he wanted to place a kiss on, the cheekbones that haunted his memory for long after he saw them for the first time, and the pink lips that he missed so, so dearly. None of it was his to stare at, though.

His fingers drummed on his thigh and he wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He felt his heart sink and beat loudly in his ear as, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Younghyun rest his head on Youngjae’s shoulder. He had spent so much of his time imagining what it would be like to be with Younghyun for more than just a few hours and to know Younghyun as more than a stranger. He hated that someone he barely knew occupied his thoughts for so long, a thought that caused him to close his eyes in fear of letting a few tears out. Ignoring the lump building in his throat, he felt incredibly frustrated at the thought of being able to see Younghyun again but not being able to say a word of the thoughts that lived in his head for years. After all this time, he was still the boy with wet pillows in his dorm room, getting off to a memory of a person that didn’t belong to him.

The knuckles on his hands turned white as he clenched his fists, not being able to work past this anger. The worst part was that he  _ knew _ his anger was misdirected. He wanted to be angry at Youngjae. He wanted to hate him, he wanted to find any reason to tell Youngjae to fuck off forever. He couldn’t, however, justify any of that because Youngjae was the nicest person on earth. The guy was practically a saint. He was polite, kind to all of them, courteous, and friendly. Of course, Younghyun would know how to pick them, being the most beautiful man on earth.

The credits of the movie rolled up on the screen of their television and before anyone could say anything, Jae stood up and hurriedly said, “I’m gonna go to bed. ‘Night guys.” He didn’t wait to hear anyone’s response and walked from the living room into his bedroom, shutting the door and getting into the closet. He knew that this action was unusual and would probably confuse anyone who walked into his room, but it was the only way he could think to get privacy as he cried.

He sat on the floor and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his forehead on his kneecaps. A shudder escaped his lips as he let out all the tears he had been holding in for the past hour. Regret filled his lungs as his chest heaved -- how could he be so stupid as to let someone so incredible go? How different would his life have been if he had stayed in touch with Younghyun? Would he be happier? Questions plagued his mind as he sobbed, body shaking and shoulders tense. He knew that none of the tears he cried would bring Younghyun to him, or turn back time to that summer night when he could’ve had it all. He thought of another life in which this all had just worked out in his favor and he didn’t let his fear stop him from being happy. At this moment, that was all he wanted.

He heard his roommates say goodbye to Younghyun and Youngjae as the front door shut. He tried his best to stop crying as he sniffled, wiping his cheeks and closing his eyes. As he heard their footsteps down the hallway, he told himself that it was time to get up. Before he could move, the door to his bedroom opened and his heart stopped.

He could’ve sworn he heard everyone’s doors shut, but suddenly, he opened his eyes and Wonpil was standing at the door of his closet, peering down at him. Jae shut his eyes once more, squeezing them with everything he could manage, willing Wonpil to just  _ go the fuck away  _ as he lay his head down again. Instead, Wonpil bent down into a squat. Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around Jae and waited a few minutes before he said, “It’s going to be okay, Jaehyungie-hyung. It’s okay to cry.”

•••

As Jae walked to work the next week, he recalled the text Sungjin had sent him the day after their movie night -- “Here if you need to talk.” Sungjin was straightforward, as always, but he also never hesitated to show others how much he cared for them. Jae appreciated the offer, but he still didn’t know how to put this all into words. And even if he could, he didn’t have the time to think about it. It was midterms season, so the coffee shop was busy and so was he. The line at the coffee shop was long, as he expected, and his coworkers were working nonstop. He jumped right in, hopping onto the second register, and helped the next customer in line.

An hour into working, Jae had successfully distracted himself from what had happened last week. He focused only on helping customers, getting drinks right, and mentally checking off everything he needed to finish this week for midterms. He had a big paper due for his communications class, an exam in statistics, and a presentation in Debate -- all doable, and all perfect for distracting him even further from the turmoil that weighed heavy on his heart and mind. So, four hours later, he clocked out and grabbed the iced Americano that he had made for himself. He was determined to be productive as it was the only alternative to having another emotional breakdown. Walking into the university library, he climbed up the stairs to the highest floor and found a quiet table in the corner, away from everyone else.

He wasted no time setting his things down and getting to work, starting on his monster of a research paper for communications. Letting out a deep sigh, he put his earbuds into his ears and chewed on his bottom lip as he read through the instructions that his professor provided for them. Just as he began looking for articles to use, he noticed someone standing at the other end of his study table, waiting for him to look up. As soon as he did so, he came face to face with Younghyun who was smiling at him earnestly and waiting for him to take his earbuds out.

Jae tried his best not to let on how nervous he was and how his palms suddenly started to sweat and the air felt like it was knocked out of his lungs. Every coherent thought he had in his brain disappeared and he found his mouth falling into the shape of an O, betraying just how surprised he was to see Younghyun.

“Are you going to look like that every time you see me?” asked Younghyun with a nervous chuckle. When Jae didn’t answer, he added, “Anyway, um...can I sit here? I have to study for a midterm.”

Jae blinked at him, willing his mouth to say anything that made sense. This couldn’t be happening to him -- there was no way. He had worked so hard today to distract himself from the very person that stood in front of him. How would he get any work done now? Still, despite all this, Jae felt himself nod slowly. He didn’t want to be unkind to Younghyun, but he couldn’t bear to be anything past polite. It hurt too much to break that barrier down.

Younghyun pulled the chair out and sat down, placing his own coffee onto the table and laying out a notebook, a textbook, and a few pens and highlighters. After he got settled, he looked up at Jae and smiled. “Have you been working a lot? You haven’t been around very much! When I go out to eat with Wonpil and them, you’re not there,” he said to Jae, eyes eager and soft.

Jae tried his best to look apologetic, not wanting to let on that he had been doing that all on purpose. Whenever he got wind that Younghyun would be spending time with his roommates, he made an effort to take on a shift at work or busy himself with playing video games, going on walks, playing badminton -- literally anything that wasn’t making any more eye contact with Younghyun than he needed to. Deep down, he knew he was being immature and avoidant, but he preferred this to the searing pain he felt in his heart when Younghyun was around. Whatever -- he was weak, sure.

“Um, yeah, you know how the coffee shop picks up during midterms season and all. And I’ve also just been, uh, playing a lot of games…” he trailed off, avoiding eye contact with Younghyun, who he noticed was listening intently to him. “...on my PC...at home.” He winced, realizing how much of a dork he must have sounded like.

Younghyun’s eyes brightened and he perked up. “What games do you play?”

Jae fidgeted with his earbud wire and tried not to reveal his surprise at this, not expecting Younghyun to inquire further about what he had shared. Blinking rapidly, he answered, “Um, Valorant, Rust, a little bit of Minecraft--”

“I play Minecraft!” Younghyun offered, cutting him off. “I love digging holes.”

Letting his guard down, Jae found himself laughing at this. It was the cutest thing he had ever heard. “Do you do anything else on there?”

Younghyun looked down, sheepish. A faint blush crept onto the plump apples of his cheeks. “Not really...I pay for the Realms account and all, but I’m not very good at it. I don’t know how you can be bad at Minecraft, but yeah…” he said, chuckling at himself. “I just like the sound of mining and finding cool stuff in the caves.”

Jae, laughing slightly again, smiled at Younghyun, daring to meet his eyes. He found that Younghyun was still looking at him earnestly, eyes glinting and focused on Jae. Jae looked away quickly, feeling like he had been burned by the direct eye contact. “Um, yeah. Anyways, I’m sorry that I haven’t been around much.”

Younghyun’s eyes softened and he lowered his voice as he reassured Jae, saying, “It’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. If you’re busy, you’re busy -- I respect you a lot for working so hard and offering extra help to your coworkers. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, is all.”

Jae took a deep breath, taking in what Younghyun had just told him. They were still, after all this time, practically strangers, and yet Younghyun was so, so kind to him. He felt dizzy at these thoughts, the bruises on his heart aching as he once again remembered what he had let go of all those years ago. He couldn’t allow himself to revel in this amazing person that Younghyun was -- it would only result in pain for him, he was sure.

So, instead of risking more hurt, he mumbled, “Um, I have to work on this thing, so…” He gestured to his laptop and put one of his earbuds back in his ear. He felt bad, but it was easier to push Younghyun away after everything he had endured in the time since they met. What good would it do for him to get closer to Younghyun when all he wanted to do with him was not possible? If he could survive four years of this, he was sure he was close to healing completely, and it would be foolish to jeopardize that.

He almost regretted his actions as he saw Younghyun’s features fall, his aura deflating and his body retreating, almost as though he had been slapped in the face. Softly, Younghyun replied, “Yeah, sure, definitely. Sorry to bother you.” He cleared his throat and put on his own earbuds, getting to work.

_ You didn’t bother me _ , Jae wanted to say.  _ Stay here all you want _ . Instead, he inserted his other earbud and tried his best to focus on the research articles in front of him, ignoring the way his brain turned to static and his chest felt heavy under the weight of what he had just done.

•••

After clocking out of another shift at work, Jae took his glasses off and ran a hand over his face. He was  _ exhausted _ . He had stayed up all night working on his paper and he hadn’t gotten a chance to eat a proper dinner. Realistically, that wasn’t exactly the paper’s fault. Instead, his cowardice was to blame. Younghyun had brought meat over to the apartment and he had cooked it all with Jae’s roommates. Jae stuttered his way through an excuse about his paper needing to be done and how he would just find some ramen in the kitchen cupboard to eat later. In the end, he spent hours holed up in bed, agonizing over his actions once again. He wanted nothing more than to spend time with Younghyun, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how awkwardly painful he had made their study session the other day. He couldn’t let himself toe that line again, so the best solution was to avoid Younghyun completely.

Still, even as he finished his paper and got back into bed, his mind remained stuck on Younghyun’s fallen expression -- both from their study session and from dinner that night. When he finally got himself to fall asleep, he had only been able to sleep for an hour before his alarm went off, pushing him out of bed in time for his morning lecture.

To say he was tired was an understatement, and he felt his headache throb as he sipped from his Iced Americano. He knew he was better off going to the library to study for his statistics exam, but he just wanted to get into bed and sleep for days. It didn’t help that he barely got to eat breakfast in his rush to get to class, either. Tired, hungry, cranky, and sad -- he just wanted a hug.

Jae pushed this feeling away as his mother’s nagging entered his mind and academic guilt sunk into his stomach. He tightened the straps of his backpack and turned to head to the library, defeated but somewhat determined with the voice of his mother in his head. When he got to his favorite floor of the library, he trudged towards his preferred corner. As he scanned the room for an empty seat, he stopped and blinked in surprise. Sitting at the same table from earlier in the week was Younghyun, head lowered and eyes focused on a textbook. He was fidgeting with a highlighter, tapping it on his knee. Jae lifted his gaze up to the ceiling, asking the universe how the fuck it could do this to him.

As he turned around to walk out, he heard someone call, “Jae! Over here!” Twisting his head in the direction of the voice, he found Younghyun beaming at him and waving him over. He had to stop himself from squeezing his eyes shut in agony. How was it that this guy always managed to find him? How was it possible that he spent all his time resolving to avoid him and yet, somehow, Younghyun kept popping up into his life?

Wincing in a way that he hoped wasn’t visible to Younghyun, he began to walk towards him. As he reached the table and moved to set down his things, Younghyun stood up. “Do you want to go eat with me?” he asked suddenly.

Jae froze. “Um...what?” he asked, eyebrows knitting in confusion.

Younghyun sheepishly chuckled and lifted his hand to the back of his head, smoothing out the hair at the nape of his neck. “Uh, I’m really hungry, and um, I noticed you didn’t eat dinner last night. And uh, well, Wonpil told me you had a shift at the coffee shop today, so I figured that you would come here to study afterward.” Younghyun stopped speaking, winced, and began again. “Sorry, I know that’s creepy.” A blush crept onto his cheeks and he looked down at his shoes.

Jae’s throbbing head started to spin. He knew that he was better off saying no. There was no way that this would end well for him. But the way Younghyun went out of his way to ask Wonpil about Jae’s shift was so  _ cute _ . Younghyun meant well, Jae knew. He didn’t want Younghyun’s kind intentions to go unnoticed. However, Jae also knew that he would save himself from a world of hurt by saying no. And, in the end, this was still only platonic, and he couldn’t handle that. He began to formulate an excuse in his head --  _ I have an exam in statistics, and math kicks my ass, so--- _

Instead, despite the words forming in his mind, he found his mouth saying the complete opposite. He took in a deep breath and pursed his lips before responding, “Sure, why not. I’m starving.”

Riding in a passenger seat of a car was always both agonizing and fascinating to Jae. He felt his mind flicker with worry as Younghyun took the wheel, driving them to a place that he didn’t specify to Jae beforehand. Younghyun’s driving wasn’t reckless, but boy, did he drive fast. Jae wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, willing himself not to worry too much. He was sure Younghyun would get them there safely, albeit quickly. As a means to distract himself, he turned his head to the side to look out the window. He saw their university roll by as Younghyun pulled out of the parking structure and he studied the streets that he neglected to look at every day in favor of focusing on his driving. He noted the people walking, all looking as exhausted as he felt. There were some older adults from the residential area walking their dogs or jogging, weaving in and out of the students’ way. From inside the car, he heard none of the busy chatter of the students or the dogs’ barking, and it looked peaceful to him. He liked being outside of the bubble of stress within the university, the people becoming smaller and smaller as Younghyun continued to drive. As much as he tried to avoid Younghyun’s offer to get food, he couldn’t help but appreciate the chance to escape for a little bit.

He bobbed his head slightly to the music Younghyun had playing in the car -- an old Jason Mraz song from the early 2000s. If Younghyun wanted to talk, he didn’t make an effort to, and Jae was left to continue looking out the window. Being the passenger in the seat of a car of someone you barely knew was always an interesting thing to be. Giving the responsibility of your safety over to someone else and surrendering control was always hard for Jae. He barely ever allowed anyone to drive him anywhere unless he knew them very well. He wondered to himself why Younghyun was an exception as he let his gaze wander between the trees, the sky, and the people on the sidewalk.

Maybe it was because Younghyun had a pleasant aura that radiated from every part of him. Or maybe it was the fact that Jae’s roommates took to him so quickly. Perhaps it was Younghyun’s beauty that rendered Jae useless whenever they were in a room together. Deep down, though, he knew that it was the way Younghyun had taken care of him all those years ago. How, even back then, they barely knew each other, but Jae still felt so calm in his presence. He went from being slightly panicked at a party to kissing a stranger in a matter of minutes and, to this day, he still couldn’t explain to himself or to anyone else how that had happened.

Feeling a pull in his chest, he dared to turn his head to his left to observe Younghyun as the younger boy drove. His eyes were focused on the road and his teeth jutted out as he bit his lip, concentrated. His fingers tapped the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing on his car stereo and he hummed quietly to himself, enjoying the song. Before long, Jae’s eyes traveled down the outline of Younghyun’s side profile. Sharp cheekbones, sharp nose, beautiful lips. Small ears with freckles on the lobe that held a small silver hoop earring. Hair that sat at the nape of his neck -- hair that Jae dreamt of tugging as he placed a kiss on Younghyun’s lips--

“Is the music okay?” Younghyun asked at a stoplight, turning his head to meet Jae’s gaze. Jae blinked at him, his jaw dropping slightly. Younghyun had caught him staring and he was mortified. He wanted to unbuckle his seatbelt and jump out of the car to run home. Jae studied Younghyun’s features, getting a feel for whether or not Younghyun knew what Jae had been doing. If Younghyun was at all surprised, he didn’t let on.

In lieu of a verbal response, Jae simply nodded his head and turned his head to the opposite direction, opting to look out the window once more. Eventually, he chose to close his eyes and rest his head against the glass, his embarrassment and exhaustion combining.

Jae was just about to sink into light sleep when the car rolled to a slow stop. He heard Younghyun shift the gear as he opened his eyes, blinking at the sudden return of light to his line of vision. Bleary, he looked around. To his left, he heard the jingle of car keys as Younghyun turned off the engine of the car. To his right, he saw that they were in a parking lot of a diner somewhere downtown. He had never been here before -- the benefit of living in a college town was that there were always places to eat anywhere you went, and this diner was a place he had yet to try.

He turned to face Younghyun once more, but the younger boy was already unbuckling his seatbelt, legs swung out of the driver’s seat of the car. Jae heard a faint, “Ah! I’m starving!” from outside the car.  _ Jeez _ , he thought to himself,  _ how quick can this kid get out of a car? _ He took his time getting out, rubbing the fatigue from his eyes and adjusting his glasses afterward.

As soon he stepped foot on the asphalt and shut the car door, he raised both arms to the sky in a stretch, much akin to that of a cat. He felt his shirt hem rise slightly at his waist, but he didn’t bother pulling it down. He was much too hungry and tired to care. Jae’s tall frame didn’t do well in cars and he had slightly aching muscles to show for it. He took in a deep breath and returned to his standing position, looking up.

His eyes widened as he met Younghyun’s gaze. Jae’s face fell blank as he realized Younghyun had been  _ staring _ at him. Younghyun’s lips were slightly parted and his eyes were focused right on Jae -- there was no denying it. Jae blinked at him, not wanting to break the younger’s gaze by looking away. It had been a while since Jae really, really got to look at Younghyun. He was always looking away, avoiding eye contact, or running from him. Today was the first time in four years that he got to take in as much of Younghyun as he wanted, not stopping himself from doing so. The force of what he saw across from him was almost too strong, pushing his heart to beat faster than it had in a long time. He almost wanted to disappear, become invisible -- Younghyun’s gaze was piercing and it was focused. His fox-like eyes were just as gorgeous as the rest of him was.

Younghyun opened his mouth to say something, but Jae rushed to beat him to it. Taking in another deep breath, he quickly said, “I’m actually really hungry. Let’s eat!”

Without waiting for a response, he began to walk to the doors of the diner. He wasn’t sure why he broke through the moment first. If he was being honest, he was a little intimidated by Younghyun’s stare. He didn’t know why Younghyun was staring, and he was too afraid to ask. Besides, Younghyun had a partner. Even if Jae got to the bottom of whatever had just happened, it wouldn’t have mattered. Younghyun was not his to stare at.

Younghyun caught up with him at the host’s podium as Jae asked for a table for two. They followed the host in silence and Jae felt tension build in his shoulders as they hiked up, Younghyun behind him. Even though Jae couldn’t see him, he somehow felt Younghyun’s gaze resting at the back of his neck. Jae’s head was swimming with confusion.  _ What the fuck just happened back there? _

Jae slid into the farther side of the booth, Younghyun doing the opposite. He picked up his menu, noting that it was a little sticky. He put it back down, taking time to look at the diner around him. He had been so busy reeling from what happened in the parking lot that he didn’t even take a glance at the restaurant they were in. He saw shiny wooden floors and noted that the seats were padded with shiny red vinyl, the table coated in a silver coloring. The walls were decorated with movie posters, both old and new, emitting a feeling of finding yourself stuck in the past. The restaurant wasn’t so busy that it was overwhelming given that they had come at an odd time -- 2 pm after the lunch rush had already passed. Some of the bar seats were taken, but not many. The air smelled slightly of fried potatoes and burger grease.

His circling gaze landed on Younghyun once more, who was looking out the window. Figuring that he didn’t want to talk, Jae opted to focus on his menu instead. Opening it, he saw that it was stacked with many different types of dishes. All-day breakfast, various types of burgers, dinner specials, and dessert. It was typical diner fare, but Jae couldn’t help but feel his stomach grumble anyway as he read all the descriptions of the dishes.

As he decided between a burger and a chicken sandwich, he looked up to see that Younghyun still hadn’t opened his menu. Rather, he was wringing his hands, joined fists resting on top of the table. Concern pushed Jae’s brows together as he asked, “Are you oka--”

He was cut off by a waitress coming to take their order. Despite the fact that Younghyun hadn’t opened his menu, he ordered first. “Steak and eggs over easy, please,” he asked softly and kindly. The waitress nodded before her eyes flickered over to Jae.

“Uh…” he trailed off, realizing he had never made his decision. He felt his stomach grumble again as he said, “Can I please have a burger with fries? No cheese, please.” The waitress nodded once more, took their menus, and made her way back to the kitchen.

Jae kept his gaze trained on the tabletop as he tapped his fingers on his knees. “You’re lactose intolerant?” he heard, “Or do you just not like cheese?”

He looked up and Younghyun was looking at him once more, eyes playful and lips turned up into a small smile -- completely different from the mood he was showing just minutes before. “Lactose intolerant,” Jae replied sheepishly.

Younghyun chuckled. “That’s cute.”

Jae felt his cheeks burn instantly, taken aback by the sudden compliment. Was it a compliment? It was about lactose intolerance, for God’s sake. What was cute about that? He coughed, trying to hide his embarrassment and oncoming mental breakdown. He was experiencing what he could only describe as emotional whiplash. One minute, they were silent, looking away. The next, they were staring at each other. And now, Younghyun was calling him cute. “Um, thanks,” he returned quietly. His stomach flipped and his mind blared, “Just friends! Just friends!” over and over again.

He grabbed a napkin and held it in his hands under the table, wringing it in his hands. He focused his eyes on the tabletop once more, not being able to bear looking at Younghyun any longer. This was a complete mistake. He shouldn’t have come here with Younghyun. He should have stayed at the library and gotten his studying done as he planned. He should have--

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Younghyun asked suddenly.

Jae could barely hear the younger boy over the ringing in his ears. He sucked a breath in through his teeth before looking up to meet Younghyun’s eyes, crumpling the napkin in his hand. “Sure,” he answered.

He had no idea what he was about to hear, but it could’ve been anything. Younghyun could be asking him something as simple as what he liked to do in his free time or something complicated that Jae didn’t even want to imagine. He wanted to prepare himself for the worst, but he wasn’t sure how bad the worst could actually get. The ringing in his ears was replaced by the deafening beat of his heart as he bit down on his lip, holding his breath.

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

Shaky, Jae let out the breath he was holding. The question was simple in composition -- six words, nothing extravagant. Still, they knocked Jae’s senses out cold. He felt his head shake slightly and his eyes blink rapidly. “I haven’t--”

Across from him, Younghyun ran a shaking hand through his hair. Eyes shining with what Jae hoped weren’t tears, the younger asked another question, cutting off Jae’s answer. “Why didn’t you ever call me?” he almost whispered. Jae swore he heard Younghyun’s voice break as his own heart sank.

“Bri--”

Panicked, Jae stopped himself from using Younghyun’s previous name and was about to continue again until he was cut off once more, this time by their waitress. She dropped off their food and asked them to wave her down if they needed anything else.

Appetite curbed, Jae couldn’t bring himself to answer Younghyun’s question completely. There were so many things that he could say to answer him, but none of them felt adequate to express everything he was feeling. The knowledge that he had hurt Younghyun with his actions was more painful than any loneliness that he had experienced in the past four years. He ran Younghyun’s breaking voice over and over in his mind as he stared at the table, hands shaking at his lap.

Blinking back tears and not raising his eyes, his voice shook as he spit out, “I’m sorry.”

No response. His hands shook harder to match his leg, now also bouncing at what felt like the speed of light. He let a few moments pass before he asked, “C-can we go? I can’t--”

He focused on calming down enough to get his hands to stop shaking as Younghyun waved down the waitress, asking for to-go boxes and the check. He sniffled, willing himself not to start crying. He hated himself for withdrawing when Younghyun was the one he had hurt. He despised the way he felt so weak and small, running away once again. He wished he could open his heart up to Younghyun and show him all the reasons why he kept running away, why he avoided him all those years ago. Words wouldn’t encompass everything he felt. If he showed Younghyun, maybe he would understand. Maybe he would even start to consider forgiving Jae.

Younghyun put their food in the containers as Jae grabbed his wallet and put down enough bills to cover both their meals as well as the waitress’ tip. Suddenly, Younghyun froze. “Jae, you don’t have to--”

Jae shook his head adamantly and helped Younghyun place the rest of the food in the boxes, wanting to leave as soon as possible. He was sure he looked a mess, embarrassing himself not just in front of Younghyun but in front of every patron in the restaurant.

The two slid out of the booth and made their way back to Younghyun’s car. The walk from the diner to the car was a blur for Jae, senses dulled as he wished for this day to end quickly. He was exhausted, hungry, and now close to becoming a sobbing mess. He longed to be under his blankets in his room, lights turned off. He got back into Younghyun’s passenger seat, watching as Younghyun did the same across from him.

Younghyun reached to put the keys into the ignition, but Jae extended his arm to place his hand over Younghyun’s. He noticed his hand was still shaking, but he couldn’t stop to focus on that any longer, determined to say what he needed to say. He turned to meet Younghyun’s surprised gaze and took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a few moments.

In just under an hour, Younghyun had managed to take all the pain from the past four years and bring it out into the open with just two questions -- questions that must have been plaguing his mind for so long. Jae had never realized how much they were both hurting on such separate planes. He hated himself so much for doing this but still couldn’t bring himself to consider what could have happened if he had done the opposite.

He opened his eyes, making eye contact with Younghyun, direct and steady. He would hate himself even more if he never said what he needed to, and Younghyun deserved to hear this from him. Jae opened his mouth to speak, but Younghyun cut him off before he could start.

“Look, if you hate me,” he said, barely audible, “Just tell me now. You don’t have to make excuses.”

Jae found himself blinking at Younghyun again, not believing what he had just heard. He froze for a few seconds, wanting to process what Younghyun had just said. How could Younghyun think he hated him when the opposite was the only truth that had been constant for Jae for four years?

“I-I don’t hate you. Younghyun,” Jae said, voice trembling. The younger stared at him, eyes widening, filling with doubt. Jae stared back before raising his eyes to the ceiling of the car, gathering the strength to continue -- to say what he hadn’t been able to admit to anyone, not even himself. “I’ve been in love with you for four years. I’ve thought about you almost every day. I could never hate you.”

Jae sighed again, taking off his glasses and rubbing at his eyes as he began to cry. He didn’t try to see what Younghyun’s expression was, not being able to see behind the tears gathering on his eyelashes anyhow. Swallowing back the lump in his throat, he continued. “I didn’t call you because I was afraid. That’s such a bullshit excuse, but I really was. You--You’re incredible. You came out of nowhere and made my heart beat in a way it never has before. The minute I saw you, I knew I wouldn’t ever be able to forget you. And that scared the  _ shit _ out of me. I-I wasn’t ready for you. And I didn’t know how to tell you that. I wanted you so bad, more than anything in the world, but I didn’t want to...I just didn’t want to fuck it up.”

Jae felt his shoulders drop as he released all the regret and anger at himself that he had felt for years. He knew he would never be able to forgive himself for his actions, but it was bittersweet to finally say all of that out loud for the first time. All the nights he had spent alone in his room soaking pillow after pillow had amounted to this, but at least he could let some of it go and watch it dissipate into the air.

With resolve, he repeated, “I don’t hate you. But if you were to hate me…” he trailed off, biting his lip. “...I would understand.”

With that, he looked up at Younghyun for the first time since he started talking. He saw that Younghyun was no longer looking at him but had turned to look out the windshield instead. Jae pulled back, waiting for him to say something. He wasn’t expecting much, but he willed Younghyun to say something, anything that would show Jae that he didn’t hate him.

Jae wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but none of it was occupied by words from either of them. Jae watched Younghyun’s car clock flicker to 3:30 pm before the engine started. He jumped slightly, not expecting the sudden noise to cut the silence between them.

He looked at Younghyun whose expression was straight, lips in a line and eyes blank. The only thing out of place were Younghyun’s flaring nostrils. Jae’s stomach sank as he realized Younghyun wasn’t going to say anything to him.

As Younghyun pulled out of the parking lot, Jae let out a sigh of defeat, taking this as a sign that he had fucked up and there was no going back. Just as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more angst hshhsd i hope you enjoyed it!! this chapter was really hard to write because it hurts to drag on the angst like this but i promise the next (and last) chapter will make up for all of it!!


	4. give me your loneliness and i'll give you mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah! the last chapter, heh. this chapter is what most of the tags were meant for, and it'll be found at the end. again, this is my first time writing this type of prose so please excuse any awkwardness! i hope to improve from here on out. thank you!

Jae was graduating in four days. He had wrapped up all his finals, double-checked his graduation status, and was packed for a trip home where he would be spending the summer with his family before coming back to the apartment in the fall to take on an internship and various canvassing jobs for local government candidates.

Though he would be coming back, a lot was changing as he prepared to conclude this part of his life. He had clocked out of his last shift at work that afternoon, grabbing his last coffee on the house and saying goodbye to all his coworkers. He would miss the bustle of the coffee shop, the rushes, and unending controlled chaos serving as his break from studying and mundane days spent in classrooms.

He was, quite frankly, excited to leave. He had accomplished a lot in his four years in university and was proud of himself for pushing through something that was once so scary to him. He remembered how he felt at Younghyun’s house all that time ago, nervous for what was to come and unable to picture his future. Now, he was in a similar position, but he looked forward to the unknown rather than fearing it. He didn’t quite know what kind of career he would land, and he didn’t know how long he would be able to continue living with his friends, but he didn’t mind the uncertainty for once in his life. He was just happy to be moving forward.

Everything that had happened with Younghyun had ended that day in the car. Younghyun had dropped him off at his apartment, neither of them saying a word on the way back. As Jae got out of the car, he didn’t make an attempt to say goodbye or look at the younger, knowing that both their hearts were too bruised to try to fake politeness or courtesy. He just took his things and walked through the front door, making a beeline for his room, where he dropped all his belongings on the floor and collapsed on the bed. Behind him, he heard Younghyun drive away.

Since then, Younghyun, and sometimes Youngjae, continued to spend time with his roommates. They came around the apartment occasionally and went out to eat often. Sometimes, they all went to noraebang together. Every now and then, Wonpil mentioned that he would go out to walk Youngjae’s dog with the couple. Things were really no different, except for the fact that Jae and Younghyun made no effort to interact at all. Jae didn’t bother with excuses and simply left the room if Younghyun was in it, and opted to stay in and play video games when they went out, asking Sungjin to just bring something back if they had leftovers. His friends questioned him at first but dropped their curiosities when they realized that he would never answer or elaborate. 

He wouldn’t lie -- it was bleak. It was painful. It was lonely and it was difficult. But rather than spending his time regretting his actions, he had come to simply accept them for what they were. He had apologized, and Younghyun didn’t accept his apology.

At first, this was incredibly difficult to accept. He spent many nights crying in his room, soaking his pillows once more. He felt frustrated that everything had come full circle, but not in the way he wished for it to. Instead of returning to Younghyun, he had instead returned to being a lonely boy crying alone in his room. He was angry that Younghyun wouldn’t accept his apology. He wanted to scream at someone and plead for things to get easier, for once. He wanted to kick at walls and throw everything he owned into the ocean out of desperation for some kind of feeling other than sadness and anger.

Eventually, this pain dulled in his heart. He still felt it every day, but he had become accustomed to the ache he felt whenever he came face to face with Younghyun. He knew there was nothing that he could do from this point forward -- he had done everything he could without overstepping boundaries. So he accepted it, moving on with his life. Another chapter closed.

Jae was sitting on his bed, fresh from a shower, when someone knocked on his door. “Come in,” he called, rubbing a towel over his wet hair.

The door opened slowly to reveal Dowoon who came in to sit beside Jae on his bed. “Hyung,” he said. Jae kept drying his hair as he waited for the younger boy to continue, but there was only silence.

He set his damp towel down beside him and turned to face Dowoon fully, giving him his undivided attention. Dowoon had always been shy, but around his hyungs, he was more reserved than shy, cracking jokes when he got excited. More than reserved, he was gentle, and never pushed or prodded more than he needed to. He was intent on maintaining the balance of give and take in a conversation, only continuing when he knew the other person was listening and doing the same for them.

“I know you haven’t wanted to come out much lately…” he began, ears turning red as he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, “...but do you want to come to one last party with us? You know, before you leave?” He looked up at Jae, hopeful and eager. “We miss you a lot and we wanna send you off properly since you graduated and all. We’re really proud of you.”

Jae jutted his lower lip out in a pout, endeared at what his roommate had said to him. He really didn’t have it in him to go out, but Dowoon was right -- he was going to be making his way towards a career soon. When would he be able to do this again? How sure was he that everything would stay the same once he came back? Turning his pout into a bright smile, he slowly nodded at Dowoon. “Okay, I’ll go.”

Dowoon smiled so wide that the force pushed his eyes shut and his demeanor lit up immediately. “Ah! Hyung, I’m so happy. Thank you! We’re gonna leave around 11:30 tonight after Sungjin comes back from work, okay?”

Jae nodded again, this time with more enthusiasm. Dowoon got up from the bed, saying something about having to go buy soju with Wonpil. Once he was gone, Jae sighed to himself. It wasn’t a sad or tired sigh, but it was laced with relief. This chapter was finally ending and, as bittersweet as it was, he was glad to leave it behind. He wanted to start anew and shed the sadness that he had worn on his chest for years and years. He wanted to be happy and to keep moving forward. From now on, there would be no more regrets and no more self-inflicted disappointments. No more wet pillows on dark nights spent alone.

•••

Jae adjusted the collar of his soft pink hoodie so that it was comfortable around his neck. He turned to his mirror to examine his eyelids which were covered in a soft, subtle, glittery rosy gold eyeshadow. He had put the shadow on his eyes in a last minute decision -- if this was his last hurrah, he figured he might as well go all out. He loved the way the glitter caught the light when he turned his head to the side. He finished it all off with a swipe of lip tint and fixed his hair, mussing it up at the top the way he liked it.

After deciding that he was satisfied with how he looked, he plopped back onto his bed, sending a text to the group message, writing, “Are you almost home, Sungjin? I’m kinda hungry.”

Sungjin sent back the rolling eyes emoji and said, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll bring you something from the place next door.” Sungjin was the assistant manager of a record store downtown that happened to be housed right next to a really good fried chicken place -- Jae’s favorite.

Jae’s phone buzzed as Dowoon sent a message as well, pleading, “Oh! Me too, hyung, please!”

Wonpil followed, saying, “Fries, pleaseeee!!” with the smiling cat emoji.

Jae opened up a game on his phone as he saw another message from Sungjin come in that said, “Nothing else, Wonpil? You should really eat more--”

Jae didn’t bother to read the rest of the text message as it was a lecture not meant for him. He chuckled to himself. He knew that if it wasn’t for his roommates, he would not stay living in this apartment. They truly meant the world to him and he loved them with his entire being. They all held each other up and kept each other laughing, smiling, and taken care of. Sure, they argued sometimes, like when Wonpil ate a biscuit and littered crumbs over Sungjin’s carpet, or when Jae accidentally broke Dowoon’s gaming mouse. Wonpil and Dowoon fought almost every day, bickering until the sun went down. But still, by the time they were all in bed, they loved each other just as much as they did the previous day.

He knew there would eventually come a day when he would have to live without them, but he didn’t want that day to be anytime soon. He was content being around them, and he hoped they felt the same when he was near. He had a lot to thank them for and he wanted to spend as much time as he could returning all the love they had ever given him.

The front door opened and Jae figured it was Sungjin with the chicken. He sat up, feeling his stomach growl, tossing his phone to the foot of his bed. Adjusting his glasses, he walked out of his room and into the hallway to help Sungjin with the bags.

Instead, he found Younghyun standing in the hallway as Wonpil shut the front door. Younghyun looked the smallest that Jae had ever seen him -- not because of his physical attributes, but because of the energy he was emitting. He looked lost, tired, and desperately in need of a hug. He was wearing a black leather jacket that he had pulled over his fists, creating paws with the sleeves. Jae noticed that Younghyun was cracking his knuckles with his thumb over and over again. He seemed nervous and full of anxiety.

Jae felt himself blink as he breathed deeply, trying to figure out what was going on. “Are you...coming to the party…?” he heard himself ask. He was surprised to hear that his voice was steady despite the way he felt that he would collapse at any moment. He hadn’t seen Younghyun in  _ months _ and their last meeting was the complete opposite of pleasant. He figured he would never see Younghyun again and he was finally beginning to make peace with that. At least, as much peace as he could make with giving up on the best person he had ever met.

Younghyun silently shook his head, equally as confused as Jae. “Wonpil said I could--”

Jae whipped his head in Wonpil’s direction, incredulous. Jae pursed his lips, ready to ask,  _ What the fuck is going on? _ Instead of waiting for Jae to speak, Wonpil squeaked in fear and all but ran towards his bedroom.  _ Second chances, hyung _ , Jae recalled Wonpil telling him back at the beginning of the school year. God, was that guy annoying.

He raised his arm, using the palm of his hand to smooth over the hair on the back of his head. Letting out a sigh, he turned back to Younghyun. Every time he made eye contact with Younghyun, it felt like the first time. He would never tire of looking at him. And now, seeing him for the first time in months, he couldn’t help but take a few seconds to stare. His hair had grown out a little, back to the length it was when they had first met. His front teeth bit at his lower lip, making his top lip jut out. Younghyun blinked rapidly, and Jae couldn’t tell for sure which one of them was more nervous than the other.

“So, um...what-” Jae stopped, not exactly knowing what to say. “Do you--” he started again. Wincing at the awkwardness in his voice, he settled on, “Hi.”

“Hey,” Younghyun responded, dragging out the last sound in the word for a few seconds before going completely silent again. The younger boy’s gaze traveled to his shoes.

“Are you here to see me?” Jae asked.

In that same moment, Younghyun’s voice overlapped his as he asked, “Can we talk in you room?”

Taken aback, Jae’s mouth fell slightly. He felt like a fucking fish, dead at the market. He might as well have been a dead fish because he could not, for the life of him, will any sound to come out of his mouth. After only being able to respond in inaudible breaths, he chose to just nod his head. Without waiting for a response from Younghyun, he turned and made for his room.

Twisting the door knob open, he felt his stomach turn and his chest start to ache. What could Younghyun possibly want to talk to him about? He thought that everything they needed to say to each other had been put out into the open all those months ago in Younghyun’s car. Was Younghyun here to tell him that he hated him? That he never wanted to see him again? That was more than obvious to Jae already, so what was he here for?

He heard Younghyun’s soft footsteps on the carpet behind him and the younger kindly shut the door. Jae took a seat at his desk and gestured for Younghyun to sit on the bed. He gingerly did as Jae asked and looked around, taking in the state of Jae’s room.

“You don’t have much in here,” Younghyun commented.

“I’m really not much for decoration,” Jae said before chuckling to himself.

Younghyun simply nodded in response and tapped his fingers on his knees.

Jae felt as though he would explode in the silence that Younghyun left, still confused as to why he was here. Would it be rude to ask? After all, they weren’t really  _ friends _ . Younghyun had given him head once, and that was it. Sure, he might’ve been in love with him had things progressed over time, but as it stood, that was all that had happened between them. And, in the end, Jae was done pretending differently just because he had feelings for him. So the fact that Younghyun was here now, taking up space in his room for no apparent reason, was driving Jae a little bit insane.

He took in a breath, frustrated. “Look, why are you--”

“I broke up with Youngjae.”

All at once, Jae’s head went into a tailspin and the wind was knocked from his lungs abruptly. He swore he felt his heart stop for a moment. From the wall that joined his room with Wonpil’s, he heard a gasp.  _ Two _ gasps, actually. Pressing a finger to his temple to relieve his oncoming headache, he took an eraser from his desk and threw it at the wall, aiming to discourage the eavesdroppers from listening in.

After processing what he had just heard, he looked at Younghyun. He searched Younghyun’s eyes for any sign of a lie or a joke. Any sign that what he had just heard wasn’t real. He must have been dreaming.

Before Jae could even say anything, Younghyun spoke again. “Really. I did. I’m not lying to you, Jae.”

Jae stuttered, “Wh-why?” He couldn’t fathom that Younghyun was really here telling him this now. He was ready to leave, he was prepared to walk away and move on. He had spent enough time wallowing in regret and he was so, so tired. His heart had taken beating after beating and he couldn’t take anymore. After all that, Younghyun was here, telling him something he only dreamt of hearing just a few months ago.

“Jae,” Younghyun sighed softly, “I…I have wanted to be with you for  _ so long _ . I was convinced that you didn’t want anything to do with me and that you had forgotten about me after you went to university. You never called, so I couldn’t bring myself to think anything different. I thought about you every day after we met, you have no idea.”

_ I do, _ Jae wanted to say,  _ I have every idea _ . He let Younghyun continue.

“I left the country to study abroad to try and get over it and forget everything. I figured if you could move on, I could too. And I guess, eventually, I did. I met Youngjae and I finally felt like I could see color again, like I could feel my heart working again. But when I saw you again at the coffee shop and then at that party, I realized it wasn’t the same. I loved Youngjae, yes, but you--”

Younghyun stopped talking in order to sniffle, biting his lip to keep it from trembling. Jae felt himself lurch forward, not wanting Younghyun to cry. He shook his head vehemently, taking in the words the younger boy was saying. As he had realized earlier on in the year, they both went through similar things after they lost contact with each other. Seeing Younghyun now, it became clear to him that their experiences were more alike than Younghyun ever let on. As Younghyun began to speak again, Jae hesitantly took one of Younghyun’s hands in his, rubbing his thumb on Younghyun’s trembling fingers.

“Jae, when you told me all those things in my car -- listen, I -- I didn’t mean to throw all those questions on you, but it was just driving me crazy that you seemed to hate me so much. You-- I -- when I saw you again, I was both heartbroken and excited all at the same time. I thought I would never see you again and there you were, just standing in front of me. But the timing was awful, and I was so angry at myself. It became worse when you seemed to want nothing to do with me, so I just -- I got desperate and I had to know, Jae. But what you told me was the complete opposite of what I was expecting and I haven’t been able to forget about it ever since. It gnawed at me every second I was awake, and I realized that I would never be able to love Youngjae the way he loved me -- with his whole heart and being. It wasn’t fair to him. There was just someone I would always love more.”

Tears pricked Jae’s eyes as Younghyun finished what he had to say. He started shaking his head again and, without really realizing what he was doing, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

The tears kept coming and coming, flowing out and running down his cheeks. His lips shook as he continued to whisper over and over again, “I’m sorry.”

“No, Jae, it’s--” Younghyun began.

Jae cut him off, using his full voice to tell him, “No. Younghyun, I -- my fear got in the way of something that could have been really, really great. It stopped me from my own happiness, but I never realized it got in the way of yours, too. I have spent the better part of four years regretting my actions and hating myself, but now that I know just how much I’ve hurt you too, I can’t stand myself. I can’t believe I did this to you, and I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry, Younghyun.” His tears turned into quiet sobs and he pulled his hands away from Younghyun’s. He attempted to stand, mumbling, “You- you can go, it’s okay. I’m really sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, you can go.”

Younghyun stood as well and Jae braced himself to watch him leave. Instead, Younghyun stepped towards him and wrapped his arms around Jae’s torso, pulling him close. Despite his surprise, Jae found himself continuing to sob into Younghyun’s chest. He felt Younghyun rub his hand up and down Jae’s back, trying his best to calm Jae down. In his ear, he heard Younghyun whisper, “Jae, it’s okay,” repeatedly.

Slowly, Jae’s chest stopped heaving and tears stopped coming from his eyes. He sniffled as he pulled back slightly from Younghyun, looking up at him.

Younghyun reached up and fixed Jae’s crooked glasses, eyes glinting with tears of his own, contrasting with the small smile that tugged on his lips. Looking Jae in the eyes, he began, “Jae, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you and I never have. All the tears I’ve cried are proof of how much I want to love you. You are the person I will always love more than anyone else on this earth.”

Jae placed his head back on Younghyun’s chest, embarrassed at his tear streaked face. Younghyun took it as a sign to continue speaking. “I came here to tell you all of that because I wanted you to know that you were never suffering alone. It took months, but I spent that time thinking about what you said and realized something. All this has shown me that no matter how much you or I tried, we would never be able to stay apart from each other. And I’m okay with that. I’m more than okay with that. I want you, Jae. I couldn’t be with someone else knowing that you wanted me, too. We’re better together than we are apart.”

A few moments passed and Younghyun didn’t say anything else. Gingerly, Jae raised his arms and wrapped them around Younghyun’s torso as well, squeezing it tight. This was all he had wanted all this time and he couldn’t believe that it was happening.

“Hey, look at me,” Younghyun prodded.

Jae raised his head to look at him, curiosity filling his eyes. Younghyun smiled and pressed a kiss to Jae’s lips, short and sweet. He pulled away, but Jae’s lips followed his, reconnecting them and deepening the kiss from before.

Younghyun was still at first, taken aback by Jae’s actions that were a complete turn from his crying earlier. Eventually, he kissed Jae back, smiling into the older boy’s lips. Jae pulled back and giggled, not being able to help himself.

_ Hey, chicken’s here! _ he heard from the hallway as the front door shut. He moved to open the door, but he heard Wonpil’s door open and shut quickly.  _ Sungjin hyung, not now! Let’s go! We need to go to the party!  _ A bewildered Sungjin seemed to protest the suggestion, but Wonpil hissed,  _ Younghyun and Jae are in there! _

Jae couldn’t help but laugh out loud at Wonpil trying to control the situation and Sungjin having no idea what was going on. Before he could hear any more of the conversation taking place outside his bedroom door, he felt Younghyun tug softly at the collar of Jae’s hoodie, pulling him closer once more.

“I have waited four years for this and I’m not wasting any time, Park Jaehyung.”

With that, Younghyun’s lips were back on Jae’s. Jae swam in the feeling of Younghyun’s lips, remembering just why he couldn’t stop thinking about them for so long. He took Younghyun’s bottom lip in his teeth, sucking on it before letting it go and slipping his tongue into Younghyun’s mouth. Younghyun hummed in praise as his hands found their way into Jae’s hair, tugging at and carding through it.

Jae felt a familiar pull in his gut that he had almost forgotten.  _ This _ was what it felt like to be with someone you wanted to love with everything you had in you. Tension built between his legs as Younghyun pulled away and pressed his lips to every inch of Jae’s neck. Jae couldn’t stop the moan that made its way out of his mouth once he felt Younghyun’s teeth settle around a spot right below his jawline. As Younghyun sucked at the skin there, Jae tugged at Younghyun’s waistband and asked, “Can I?”

Younghyun pulled away from Jae’s neck and faced him once more. “Only if I can too,” he said, grinning.

Jae nodded and went to unbutton Younghyun’s pants which Younghyun helped him pull down. Once Younghyun had stepped out of his own jeans, he began to kiss Jae again, gently guiding him towards the wall. Jae, with his back to the wall and lips still on Younghyun’s, couldn’t wait any longer and began to unbutton his own jeans, desperate for friction that wasn’t dulled by thick denim.

Younghyun moved to look at him and chuckled darkly. “Someone’s an eager, messy baby, aren’t they?”

Though Jae’s cheeks reddened, he didn’t find himself opposing what Younghyun had said. He was all the more excited to hear it, surprised at himself. He kicked his own jeans off his feet and looked at Younghyun once more. Already hard, he longed for friction and contact. He found himself rutting against Younghyun, whimpering.

“Oh? You’re needy too, baby?” Younghyun raised his thigh and placed it between Jae’s legs, giving him something to continue rutting on. “I love seeing you this needy.”

Jae whimpered again in response, his desperation clouding his ability to form words and coherent thoughts. “I want you,” he managed.

Younghyun pressed his lips to Jae’s cheek. “Are you going to be this messy for me all night? A messy baby, just for me?”

“Only you, Hyunnie, only you,” Jae choked out, raising his hips in an attempt to gain more friction. He gasped as Younghyun ran a hand over Jae’s member over his boxers. A single tear pricked Jae’s eye as he became more and more desperate. “Please,” he pleaded, “I want you so bad. I thought about this for so long, and I had to-- I had to touch myself because I missed you so much,” he found himself admitting to Younghyun.

“Oh?” Younghyun said, surprised. “Needy, needy baby. I can’t believe you. You know, I had to do that for myself too, for a while. I missed you so much. But it’s been a while -- can you remind me how to do it?”

Jae let out a shaky breath. “Show you?” he responded, chest heaving.

“Mm,” Younghyun said, nodding. “Please?”

Jae nodded and made his way onto the bed, Younghyun following him. As he laid down, Younghyun got on his hands and knees above him, helping him take off his boxers. He did the same for Younghyun, running his hands down Younghyun’s chest and abdomen as he did so. Letting out a hum of approval, he let his hand linger on Younghyun’s member.

Younghyun tutted in disapproval and said, voice low, “I need to see you first, baby.”

Hesitant, Jae lowered his hand to wrap it around his member. “Dripping already? You’re so, so messy,” he heard as his eyes closed.

He flicked his wrist upwards as he pumped, thrusting into his hand. He felt his shoulders relax as he finally gained the friction he so badly wanted. Letting out a whimper, he raised his hips once more, craving a release for his tension. “Mm, Hyunnie, is- am I being good?” he said to the younger boy watching him from above.

“You’re being so, so good, Jae. You’re doing so good.”

Satisfied with the answer he received, Jae picked up his pace, pumping harder and running his hand up and down his length. Running his thumb over his tip, he felt the precum that Younghyun had pointed out earlier. He wanted to be good for Younghyun, to give him what he wanted. At this thought, his pumping became erratic as he thrusted harder into his hand.

“Are you close, baby?” Younghyun asked from above him.

Jae nodded, hips rising and moans building in his throat. Words slurring slightly, he answered, “Wanna come, Hyunnie, wanna come--”

“Jae,” Younghyun said sweetly, “Only when I say so.”

Jae’s eyes fluttered open as Younghyun gently took Jae’s hand from between his legs. He whimpered at the loss of contact as more tears came to his eyes, denied of his climax. Between breaths, he asked Younghyun, “Your turn?”

“Ple--” Jae didn’t wait for Younghyun to finish what he was saying and instead took Younghyun into his mouth. He hummed around Younghyun as he heard him gasp. “Fuck, Jae,” he hissed. He sat back on his hinds and tangled his hands into Jae’s hair, pulling at it. “Jae, holy shit, oh my God, f-f--” The younger boy stuttered and rutted against Jae’s mouth, groaning. “You’re so good, baby, so fucking good.”

Running his tongue up and down Younghyun’s length and stopping at the tip, Jae placed a kiss at the slit. “Oh my fucking-- fuck, you’re gonna make me come doing that,” Younghyun exclaimed. Jae giggled, sitting back.

Younghyun, chest heaving and cheeks pink, smiled back at Jae. “Cute.”

“Cute?” Jae repeated. “Is that what you’re going to be saying when you rail me?”

In lieu of an answer, Younghyun leaned in towards the space between Jae’s legs. “Hm?” Jae hummed. Still not offering a verbal answer, Younghyun began to kiss the inside of Jae’s thighs. The older boy gasped and cursed, “Shit.” He repeated this curse and a string of others as Younghyun began to suck at different parts of Jae’s inner thighs, coming dangerously close to his member. “Y-Younghyun, don’t -- please--”

Younghyun raised his head, fighting a smirk. “You want me to stop?”

Jae groaned, “Only because I’m going to come if you don’t, and like I said earlier, I kind of want you to rail me. Really fucking badly.”

Younghyun could only let out a breath in surprise as he smiled at Jae’s candor. He held his hands up in concession and moved to take his shirt off as Jae turned to rummage around in his nightstand for some lube and a condom. Once he found what he was looking for, he placed the items on the bed and moved to take his hoodie off as well.

“No!” he heard Younghyun suddenly say in protest. Taken aback, Jae stopped moving to make sure he was okay. “Could...Could you keep the hoodie on?” Younghyun asked sheepishly.

Once again, Jae giggled. “Yeah, sure.”

Younghyun nodded in appreciation. “You look adorable in it...when you’re not wearing pants...and all…” he trailed off.

Jae leaned in and placed a kiss on his nose. “Cute.”

Younghyun blushed and Jae took this chance to hand him the condom. After ripping the package open, Younghyun rolled it onto himself. He moved to take the lube from Jae, but Jae was already squeezing it into his hands. “Oh, you don’t have to--”

Jae almost giggled again, slightly surprised at the sudden change in Younghyun’s tone. Minutes ago, Younghyun was calling him messy and needy. Now, he was calling him adorable and hesitating to let Jae place lube on him.

“Your duality is insane,” he said, chuckling to himself. Younghyun squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment, smiling and wrinkling his nose. Before long, his smile fell as his jaw became slack, a gasp escaping his mouth as Jae stroked Younghyun’s member, distributing the lube.

“You’re too good at this,” Younghyun managed, voice anything but steady.

Jae lurched closer to him, placing a kiss on his cheek. “I wanna be good for you, Hyunnie,” he whispered in Younghyun’s ear.

Younghyun’s head tilted back as he tried to stop himself from coming then and there. Jae was just so goddamn endearing, so endlessly cute but so attractive in more ways than one. Worst of all, he knew it and didn’t hesitate to take advantage of it.

“Okay, all done,” Jae said. As soon as the words left his mouth, Younghyun got on his knees and placed his hands on Jae’s sides, flipping him over. Running a lubed finger down Jae, he placed one finger inside and felt around. Before long, Jae was letting out breathy sighs. “Fuck,” he whispered. He opened up little by little as Younghyun added another finger, helping him relax. At this, Jae’s arms buckled and he fell forward. “God, I’m gonna--” he groaned as he rutted against the bedsheets, yearning for friction against his member. He had his backside raised up, ready for Younghyun. “I’m so ready to be good for you, Young--”

Jae was cut off, his words turning into another long, audible groan. Younghyun had lined himself up behind Jae and carefully slid inside, taking a few centimeters at a time. Younghyun couldn’t help but moan himself as he went deeper and deeper inside Jae. He took a few moments to steady himself in fear that he would finish right then and there. This was everything he had wanted for so long. “You-you feel so good, Jae, holy shit. You’re so good.”

Jae hummed in response before wriggling his hips, eager for movement from the younger. “Please, Hyunnie, I--”

Before Jae finished his sentence, Younghyun began to thrust inside him, holding him steady at the waist. He started slow, savoring every second and taking in Jae’s quiet whimpers. As he picked up the speed of his thrusts, he grunted and moved his hand to stroke Jae. Jae let out a breathy moan followed by a string of curses.

“My baby is so messy, isn’t he? Just one touch and he’s falling apart,” Younghyun cooed. “So, so messy. So needy.”

“G-gonna--”

“Gonna what, Jae? Use your words,” Younghyun warned as he started to pump Jae harder, his own thrusts slowing down. “Use your words, baby, or I can’t give you what you want.”

Instead of responding, Jae pushed back onto Younghyun, moving his hips ever so slightly. “Fuck,” Younghyun grunted.  _ Note taken _ , he thought to himself as he began to push into Jae once more. 

“ _ Harder _ ,” he heard Jae whimper. Younghyun almost gasped in surprise at the request. “I want you to go harder, Hyunnie. Faster, please.”

Hearing this, Younghyun fucked into Jae with all the energy he had, pulling out so far that his tip was the only part of him left inside Jae, and pushing back in just as hard. He heard Jae cry out, prodding him to go faster. He picked up his pace as he saw Jae wrap a hand around his own length, pumping erratically as his breathing became ragged. He moved his wrist quickly, hand going up and down his member as he tried for the release he so badly needed. His legs started to shake as he whimpered, his cries getting louder and louder. “Hyunnie,” he begged, “I wanna come, need to -- need to come, please.”

With a push, Younghyun gasped, “Let me see you come for me, baby.”

“Fuck!” Jae cried out suddenly as Younghyun hit his prostate. Younghyun caught sight of Jae’s cum spilling out onto his hands and dripping onto the sheets as he finished.

The sight of this pushed Younghyun over the edge, prompting him to admit, “I’m close, oh God, baby, I’m so close.” Jae’s body became slightly limp as he recovered from his own orgasm. “You’re being so good, baby, almost there. You’re so pretty, coming for me like that. Fuck, you’re so good.” Jae used all his effort, pushing back against Younghyun and attempting to keep up with his rhythm. It wasn’t long before Younghyun’s own thrusts became staggered and he was filling up the condom with a groan.

He bent over, resting his head on Jae’s back as Jae slumped forward. “Thank you,” he said to the older, placing a kiss on his spine. Leaning back, he pulled out of Jae and disposed of the condom.

Jae rolled onto his back, eyes glazed over and words slurring as he asked, “Whaddaya thankin’ me for...Hyunnie…”

Younghyun looked down to see Jae was still crying, tears staining his cheeks. “I really put you through it, and you were a good baby for me. My messy baby did so good.” He placed a kiss on Jae’s cheek.

“Your baby…” Jae trailed off, breathing still shallow.

“My baby,” Younghyun cooed, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from Jae’s cheeks. He pulled the covers out from under Jae and tucked him in. He chuckled as Jae weakly raised an arm to grab Younghyun’s bicep.

“Bed with me, ‘yunnie,” he pleaded softly.

Younghyun climbed in, getting under the covers with him and stroking his hair. “No more crying alone,” he murmured, watching as Jae’s eyes fluttered closed. “You’re not alone anymore, Jae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sincerely hope you enjoyed it! a lot of this was written with my best friend in mind since this was a birthday/christmas present for her. i hope it was still enjoyable nonetheless! thank you to anyone who read, commented, or left kudos. i'm very grateful, especially because this is my first fic on here. thank you very much for your kindess!!


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